Only Lovers Left Alive

I have no heroes…Oh look, there’s Jack White’s house.

The cinematography and music might make you think this movie is pretty good. But after an hour of this overlong, plotless, mess you’ll start to think the whole thing is an epic joke. Director Jim Jarmusch doesn’t look down on these mopey, hipster-caricature vampires, he thinks they’re cool. He also thinks it’s cool to make lazy literary references, nonsense talk about vinyl weight, and some mind-numbingly dumb fake technology (like the perpetual motion dynamo that powers a house and a dell laptop that connects to a tube tv for facetime calls). Every five minutes I was infuriated, but looking back it’s all so stupid that I can’t hate it.

★